Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Whoa 😂
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that