I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.