If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
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BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Made something I’m not proud of
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.