One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck