I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
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Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.