Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.