Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you