Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
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❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
What kind of a cult is this?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
True freaking story!
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.