1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
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Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
wait.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
and now we wait
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second