I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
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George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”