True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
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Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.