Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
❤️❤️❤️
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*