I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
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You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍