[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
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The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.