Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
You Might Also Like
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
📽️movie date🎞️
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible