JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold