Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella