My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
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*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.