If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
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Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”