Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
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“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
got so much cardio in today