My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
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If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
CRYING
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”