Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
You Might Also Like
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.