*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
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People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Why soy sad?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!