You Might Also Like
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn鈥檛 this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I鈥檝e lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it鈥檚 really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it鈥檚 a bird! it鈥檚 a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
It鈥檚 that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King鈥檚 Hawaiian rolls.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn鈥檛 oatmeal delicious
yall want some gasoline milk
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no鈥he took my yamaha?
cop:
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don鈥檛 break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it鈥檚 fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can鈥檛 see the words behind it
WORD: 馃檨
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 馃檪
ME: it鈥檚 still there
WORD: which was your favorite 馃槓
If you鈥檙e gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I鈥檓 a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it鈥檚 a spider.
Doctor: It doesn鈥檛 look good
Me: What? You haven鈥檛 even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you鈥檝e clearly lost your sense of taste
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store