[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
starting a garage orchestra
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?