wut hotdog?
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Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”