Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
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I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Not my job 😂
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.