society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….