Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?