McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.