[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Erm…
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
This kid will have a bright future.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing