what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
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My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Festive toon…
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING