Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
You Might Also Like
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”