[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Every house has this drawer
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?