Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
October already? What’s next? November????
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.