A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
What a website
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Autocarrot sucks!
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches