I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
You Might Also Like
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
me logging onto twitter
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
he chose this
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready