Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.