it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
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A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way