I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break