Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
You Might Also Like
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮