disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
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I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”