You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
buys donuts instead
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign