No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
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With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.