The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You Might Also Like
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Many hands make light work
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
181.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.