[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
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If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Waiting for the Charmin
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”