Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
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Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
My five year plan is a meteorite
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
This is a sub tweet
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
congratulations to them
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed