Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
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Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Still a very good boi….
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
won’t smith
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.