ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
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Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Mornin. * use accordingly
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*