remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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Smells like a challenge to me
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
The Struggle
They grow up so quick
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.